Mary Berry Critiques Your Shitty Christmas Cookies

It’s a Mary Berry Christmas!!

You spent an entire day baking the most delicious holiday cookies you could make for your family’s upcoming visit. You carefully creamed your butter and eggs, you cut the cookie dough while it was chilled, and waited until they were just turning brown around the edges before pulling them out of the oven. Then, after you watched your beautiful cookies cool, you delicately iced and frosted these Christmas treats.

And then Mary Berry, the professionally trained food critic and host of The Great British Bake Off, showed up and devoured them all like a ravenous animal.

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“Soggy bottom!” Berry declared as she savagely ripped the head from a sugar cookie Santa Claus. “And the middle is underdone. Quite pathetic.” 

She went after the gingerbread next.

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“These are quite dry. If you were going for a biscuit, bravo. But as a cookie, I just don’t think you’ve got what it takes.”

Not even the potato chips you dipped in chocolate were safe from her criticism.

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“These are perhaps the worst piece of garbage I’ve ever put in my mouth. And that’s really saying something.”

While Mary was certainly too harsh on you for your mediocre baking skills, she did have one positive thing to say before she left.

“Your wine selection was absolutely a picture. Stick with what you do best, darling. And a Very Merry Christmas season to you and yours.”

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