SUGAR LAND, TX – Bill releases a mighty belch and bows his head in prayer to ask the Good Lord for help finishing the Arby’s Meat Mountain Sandwich.
The behemoth 1,275 calorie ‘food’ item, Arby’s newest attempt at killing off all meat-eaters, is advertised as “almost all the meats” piled high between a bun. This includes chicken tenders, turkey, smoked ham, corned beef, brisket, steak, roast beef, and pepper bacon. Cheddar cheese and swiss are both added for added torture.
And Bill is so close to finishing it. Sweat beads on his portly forehead, he calls upon his Lord and Savior for help in his time of need.
Dear God, I know it has been too long. Please just help me swallow. I don’t even need to chew.
Suddenly, God appears to him, holding a butcher’s knife. Bill lifts the half eaten meat-centipede to his mouth, his jaw unhinged, he takes another bite.
Thank you, Lord. I promise I’ll never eat red meat again. It’s nothing but salads and quinoa for me from here on out.
His body is physically rejecting the Frankenstein’s monster of sandwiches. He convulses as he takes yet another bite.
This is disgusting. So good, though.
Bacon grease glistens on his mouth hole.
God Bless you, God.
Bill passes gas as a crowd of neighboring meat eaters forms. God stands idly by. The Texans aren’t there to cheer him on, but rather to see if this man will really eat himself to death.
Oh, you bet your roast beef loving asses I will!
A memorial service is pre-scheduled for Bill next Wednesday at the Sugar Land Mortuary.